1. A man invites his mate back home for dinner, His wife screams at him "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking ! What the f**k did you invite him round for ? " He says, "Cos he's thinking of getting married ! "
2. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
3. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
4. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
5. I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
6. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others stayed awake "
7. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
1. A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in less than 10 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men in a line."
2.A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
3. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
4.I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
5. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense!)
6. In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different in reverse?)
7. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)
8.The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")
9. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
10. In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. No golf clubs....I hear a 3 iron works well. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
11. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
1. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought!)
2. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
3. In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises. (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)
4.Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for these tests?)
5.The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of ???) (Did our government pay for this research??)
6. Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)
7. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
8.Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too...)
9. And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning....!)
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
12. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
13. What are the three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
14. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
15.My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
16.My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
17.She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
|Click on small photos to enlarge|
|Love the Scots||Magic mushroom||Can't handle this job anymore||After drinking "mountain goat" you feel like one||Playing cards after eating magic mushrooms|
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- Media reporting
- Tonsils vs. Circumcision
- Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
- WHAT#S A FRIEND REALLY FOR ?
- Quick Jokes
- CANADIAN JOKE
- Sailing to Italy
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a Liberal party supporter'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
" SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH "
And that my friends, pretty much sums up the Australian and New Zealand media's approach to the news these days.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other Outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots Of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year ...."
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.
Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy… -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of shit, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
A man invites his mate back home for dinner,
His wife screams at him "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking ! What the f**k did you invite him round for ? "
He says, "Cos he's thinking of getting married ! "
My neighbour was working in his garden when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. He said to her, "You appear quite elderly to be driving." "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's licence anymore. "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's licence. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the licence into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"Aussie Infidelity
A bloke brandishing a revolver walks into his busy local pub and yells...
"Who's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts..:
"You don't have enough ammo, mate!"THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, Give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.
The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'
The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'
A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain said.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Manly Ferry ."