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Funny Jokes

  • Irish Vasectomy
  • APARTMENT for RENT
  • Short Jokes
  • New CEO
  • Circumcised
  • Insurance
  • Kayaking accident

Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand

APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
  • Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
  • #1 - it had never been occupied;
  • #2 - there was plenty of heat; and
  • #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that:
  • #1 - it had been previously occupied,
  • #2 - there wasn't any heat, and it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: 'Dear Sir:
  • #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
  • #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
  • #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

At School

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says: " At my house we don't need anything."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last fucking thing we need."

Two Crocodiles

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of Them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

Immigrant to Australia

A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He Stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Australiaman, for letting me come into this country Giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free Education!"
The Passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes On and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a Beautiful country here in Australia."
The Person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival Walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his Hand, and says,"Thank you for wonderful country Australia!"
That Person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not Australian."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you An Australia woman?" She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, He asks her, "Where are all the Australian?"
The African Lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

A blonde

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
The blonde driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square... and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop'

New CEO

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Circumcised

Jokes A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London .. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was 2000.00 pounds a year! When they arrived in Cork , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, 39.00 pounds.
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure because it cost him 2000.00 in England !
The agent turned his computer screen and back to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen. It says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is 39.00 pounds.
I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

Kayaking accident

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in Antingonish, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
"We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one Mountie.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, "Give me the bad news first."
The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-sized lobsters clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The Mountie said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

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